Must we always write easy-going articles if we want to show the positive side of ourselves in our ambition to be likable and perhaps more successful in our careers? Well, not everything is about work. Far from it. Sometimes a certain moment in life will make that fact much clearer than others.

But you’re not alone- we women commonly share many burdens we don’t talk about so openly, like infertility and the longing for a child.

When I was in my teens, I thought periods were some annoying thing someone invented just to bully us women. They’re painful and uncomfortable, and would one day be the foundation of my womanhood and my ability to conceive a child.

Yes, one day … I had no desire to get pregnant when I was 16 years old and honestly not so much at 25 years old either. I just popped those birth control pills, that were given out more or less like candy, as it seemed my responsibility to not be pregnant by mistake or be an irresponsible person having a child without having that finished education, proper job and perfect dad lined up. Children are deserving of only the best of course…if we ever manage to fulfill that ideal image to feel ready.

I never finished University, blew that train two times even. I did manage to get a permanent job somewhere in my 20’s but with mirror in hand I knew I would be laid off soon if I hadn’t quit myself. Out of sheer luck I’d be following my husband to Singapore just in time for the office I worked at to close six months after I quit. Great. I achieved things too, like saving a community of flats from slipping into liquidation- but the point is: I never felt successful.

Time passed and at 34 years old I found the man that made me think, “hey this one might actually be the father of my children!” I had several relationships throughout my young life but never had it been steady enough. Now finally, this guy could handle it and he is willing to share the experience. Time to try making that baby happen!

One problem, or several…we kept trying and trying. We tried headstands, counting dates and all sorts of things to help nature on its way. No pregnancy. Then I felt it, that feeling of being like a broken part of a chain, a defect, and it haunted me.

Finally, I decided to consult a doctor at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital. We began the process of investigating infertility in me and my husband to see what challenges we were facing. Boy, were there challenges! I only have one functioning fallopian tube, I’ve got Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and on top of that I’m not naturally ovulating. To add to the complexity of the picture, we found out that my husband had sperm that wasn’t ideally shaped for fertilization of eggs. I didn’t even know sperm needed a special shape, and certainly not that they are commonly deformed, swimming in circles or way too low in count for many men. So I was set on hormones to push ovulation to see if maybe any kind of natural conception would be possible. Clomiphene didn’t work at all. Then we tried Letrozole and imagine my feeling of joy when I finally found out I was pregnant! My parents would finally see a grandchild. But that luck didn’t seem to last long.

After a short vacation to Phuket it was time for my second checkup and ultrasound. That little dot from the six-week ultrasound had grown into something more looking like a baby. Our baby. Fantastic! Until the moment our doctor said, “I hope it’s just my eyes but I can’t seem to find a heartbeat anymore”. A cold shower confirmed by a separate ultrasound just an hour later. My world fell into pieces. All expectations, dreams and plans vaporized into smoke with my forever unborn child. I cried so much and wanted to hide beneath my covers at home and never come out again. I certainly did not talk with anyone about it.


It hurt so bad to see something so little and innocent gone before it was even mine. Everything in life has limited time, but this felt way too short. I was booked in for evacuation of my uterus the next day to the price of delivering half a living child. I am still bleeding as I write this, like a reminder of the loss that won't let go even after a week has passed and I should maybe come to terms with what happened. I have moments when I cry all by myself, hidden away from others, and I have not yet even left my house since what happened.

You feel so alone and yet at the same time you know there are millions of women facing exactly the same heartache. At the hospital the hall was full of women having exactly the same procedure, for the same reason- crushed dreams.

Miscarriages are sadly common. Infertility too. I wish this was discussed about in schools and even more in society. I feel like I’ve been naive. Maybe, like me, there are some who start a little too late in life when physical conditions no longer ideal to become a parent. I can’t say I'd make other choices earlier in life if I had known what challenges this area in my life would have given me, but I sure as hell would avoid feeling like I woke up in an unexpected nightmare.

I know many of you might have gone through longer procedures to conceive a baby and I’ve found a new respect for my gender as a whole for being forced to endure these mentally and physically challenging processes. I have to say I feel comfort in that I am not alone and that many walk this difficult path with me.

You are not alone.

_{Edited by Amber Valencia}

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