Sometimes when we are in an emotional situation, what we’d really like to do most is lash out. Say something mean. Something hurtful. Something really nasty so the person receiving it will suffer as much, if not more, than us. But hang on. Let’s breathe and reflect on this point.

It’s fine to say whatever you feel is best. But remember, whatever is said should be for a future outcome that you want in your life. Not the immediate future in two seconds. Too often, we tend to say whatever comes to mind with the intention to either:

• increase our pleasure, or
• reduce our pain

When couples get into fights, the most common thing that happens is either one or both start to say things that fulfill the two intentions. Just for the few seconds of self-indulgence (or pleasure at seeing the other partner momentarily hurt).

Ultimately, it really isn’t so much that we want to hurt our partner or the people we love; we just want them to listen and understand what we really feel or want, without interruption.

How many times have we said something hurtful and then regretted it almost immediately? We tell ourselves we really didn’t mean it. That we really are just trying to help. A conversation can quickly turn toxic when both parties start hurling personal attacks at each other.

We think we do things out of love for another. But in situations like this, we’re so easily clouded by emotions that we tend to say things that will regretfully upset our partner. Our partner is the one person whom we know the best, sometimes better than themselves. When we let emotions control our speech, we are capable of wounding, very deeply, the people we love most.

Wisdom For The Future

So next time, when you feel like saying something that you know will emotionally crush your partner, think again. Will the outcome from your words be something you can live with a day from now? A week from now?

I remember these words from a wise monk, “if we can’t improve on silence, say nothing.” Where do you want this relationship to be in the future?

That's the guideline to your response. Not a vicious conversation for the temporary joy of torturing your partner.

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