If you are in a relationship and are enjoying little or no sex with your partner, you may be in a sexless relationship.

Research suggests that a sexless relationship is one where a couple has sex ten or fewer times in one year, and it estimates that 15 to 20% of married couples go without sex for six to twelve months consecutively. The figures per se are meaningless. It is more important to ask if you are happy with the amount of sex you have in your relationship. If not, this article may help you.

There are many reasons why relationships end up sexless, and they may include: ageing, medications, stress, substance abuse, lack of sleep, differences in desire, resentment or blame, among many others.

Ageing, and its natural processes, can lead to a sexless relationship, the natural decline of physical functionality being one main reason. Medications, especially antidepressants or high blood pressure meds, can also impact your sexuality. Stress, substance abuse or lack of sleep, are other factors that can lead to a sexless relationship, by impacting hormones, desire, energy or physical ability.

Sexual desire is different in each person and changes with time. With any couple, partners are likely to have different levels of sexual desire. The inability to openly discuss sexual needs is a major contributing factor to sexless relationships.

A relationship is a constant negotiation: finances, parenting, education or personal space, are just a few of the areas. If these are not handled properly, you may be left to feel resentful. If resentment is not addressed, it can lead to coldness towards your partner.

There are a myriad of reasons why relationships end up sexless. Equally, there are at least as many solutions. Assuming there are no medical reasons that keep you away from your partner, here is a simple four-step process that can help you revive the relationship:

1. Make A List

To get you started, take some time to write an objective list of reasons that keep you away from your partner. Ask your partner to do the same.There are many ways to do this, but you want it to be balanced and write about yourself as much as your partner.

2. Discuss It Openly

Follow up with an eye-to-eye conversation about each other’s list. The objective here is to listen intently to the reasons you each discovered, and come up with individual commitments to how you will do things differently. Commit to staying true to your commitments.

3. Fake It Until You Make It

We all know that if we lack confidence, we are likely to behave accordingly. This is because our belief has an impact on our behaviour. Psychology research suggests that the opposite is also true. Therefore, if you behave confidently (even when you don’t feel like it) your belief may change accordingly.

There may be times when you don’t feel like sticking to your commitments, because your heart is telling you so. Do it anyway and you may find that over time your heart will change its mind.

4. Repeat

Any type of behavioural change takes time to be fully absorbed. It is paramount that you repeat this process regularly, at least once every three months. You can create your own activities; that would be great. The important thing is that you go through the process until you feel the changes. However, if you feel completely stuck, I would be delighted to help you revive your relationship.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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