You can run, but you can’t hide from the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy that is now part of movie pop culture.

Most of us might know of people who are into BDSM (bondage and discipline; sadomasochism; dominance and submission). People into the lifestyle have been up in arms over how 50 Shades inaccurately portrayed their lifestyle.

As a sexologist, I find it unfortunate that while 50 Shades brought to the light what is often portrayed negatively, it has lost out on its opportunity to more accurately educate the public about BDSM.

Here are five things about sexual communication which we won’t be learning from 50 Shades.

1. Yes is yes

Unless we are mind-readers, we cannot tell all of the time what our partner needs, wants or desires. While couples who have together for some time say they can accurately gauge the ‘mood’ and response of their partners, it really isn’t always fail-safe.

Wouldn’t life be easier if we just spoke our yes ass yes, and our no is no? By keeping things real and agreeing to speak your truth, there is going to be a lot more honesty, vulnerability and depth to your relationship. In choosing the higher way rather than second-guessing, both of you actually are practising opening up further. This would include calling each other out on any mental games or bullying. That is, of course, unless when it comes to playing out consensual games in the bedroom!

2. Map Out Parameters

What if our body was telling us “Oh no, don’t go there” as we were in the midst of lovemaking? Would you speak up, or stay silent? Regrets, we’ve all had. What if haven’t had one a few negative experiences, we want to minimise such encounters from happening?

Parameters or boundaries are about getting clear on the things we know we do not want to do. It also doesn’t mean we need to have done something in order to be sure that we really don’t want to do it again. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and speak up, from what we allow, what we want, what we do not want. Trust needs to be earned and can only be built only time. We should not give away our power to somebody we do not trust, and we most definitely do not deserve to get hurt.

3. Use Code Words, Not Morse Code

The words Red, Yellow and Green are used in BDSM as safe words. Green is for Go; Yellow can be for Slow Down; and Red for Stop. On the other hand, a code word is a word or a phrase designed to convey a predetermined meaning to a receptive audience, while leaving the uninitiated clueless.

In the bedroom, we could apply code words to indicate arousal (getting there), plateau (don’t stop), or orgasm (release). Or perhaps your code word can be used to state your level of readiness for penetrative sex or indicate anxiety. By take the emotional charge out of our words, we can, in reality, be even more effective in communicating in the bedroom. Less can indeed be more.

4. Engage with Numbers

We ask questions to get answers. Did you know you could a scale of one to 10 to obtain more specific answers to your questions? For instance: “On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, what do you think of this (technique/ position/ etc.)?” and “How would you rank today’s (experience/ orgasm/ etc.) compared to the last time?

The nature of the questions can vary quite a bit – from tiredness level, degree of horniness, to desire to have sex. For instance, if you are at a ten and your partner a four on your level of friskiness, then you could agree on a sexual activity both of you are willing to experience. You may even use scale as a way to rank pleasure and compare experiences.

5. No Words Needed

Feedback is not always verbal. Non-verbal cues in the form of a nod or shake of your head is often sufficient. However if you have a tendency to shake your head when you are in a state of ecstasy, your “no” might be mistaken as “It’s great!”

In addition to pre-established code words, we can adopt non-verbal cues – especially useful for those who are feeling shy or awkward. Also should you find yourself wearing a mouth gag, or a full-face mask and have difficulties speaking, cues becomes vital. They could include tapping your right foot on the mat, shaking your head, lifting your left palm, or all of the above!

The more we communicate consciously, the more we learn and understand about ourselves and what makes our partners tick. A commitment to open sexual communication requires authentic vulnerability, and takes time to cultivate. Ultimately, this increases your chances of having many mind-blowing sexual experiences, and a wonderful relationship.