“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Charles Dickens’ immortal lines from A Tale of Two Cities is truly relevant today more than ever.  

2020 may very well be called the year of discomfort, disruption and despair, as the pandemic continues to trigger all sorts of emotions from people all over the globe. Covid-19 was a disruption no one saw coming, and everyone had to come to terms with the fact that our lives are changing, and will probably change forever.

It may be the worst of times, but it is also the best of times. All the negativity and uncertainty continues to take its toll on our minds and bodies, so I thought I’d write about the best thing that came out of this pandemic for me, in the hopes that many others will also find clarity and equanimity which are crucial at this time.

Stuck at home and forced to comply with many restrictions, I’ve had moments of intense reflection. I believe it is these moments that gave me the mental clarity and equanimity I never thought I could ever achieve.

It didn’t happen overnight, of course.

In the beginning of the pandemic, I was as disturbed and as uncertain as everyone else. The Philippines, along with the rest of the world had to deal with lockdowns, home quarantines, mask wearing and social distancing. I was pushing myself to work harder at home to escape what is going on “out there”. Deep inside I knew I wasn’t being productive. I was actually escaping!

One day I decided to go back to my meditation practice and decided to be more consistent with it. A few years ago, I trained to become a yoga teacher in Manila, and started reading and practicing meditation as well. Despite this, I struggled with balance. The demands of the academe were so high that my yoga practice suffered despite my best efforts. But I kept at it despite the challenges. My practice kept me sane and grounded. Looking back, I’ve realized that it has in fact given me the resilience for taking on the multiple tasks of a professor.

I’m definitely calmer and more balanced these days, but the pandemic has (and continues to) test my foothold. Forced to stay at home, I think I underwent some sort of inner retreat, where I had to train myself every single day to relax my mind and body. I was so determined to keep this going, that for my birthday I gave myself a subscription to the Calm meditation app. It’s a great supplement to my practice, and has so far been life changing!

I also reviewed my manuals and notes from my yoga teacher training, continued reading meditation books, and practiced every single day without fail. I’m proud to say that I’m way past the 300 day mark in my meditation practice!

It’s been a little over four months and I’ve done things I’ve never done before.

I’ve experimented with food, kept a journal and a food diary, repotted some indoor plants, attended a plant-based webinar, learned awesome new online tools and wrote stuff with intense focus. Perhaps one of the most liberating experiences during this time was when I started riding a bike again. The last time I rode one was in my twenties!

I’ve been finding pleasure as well in the mundane. Washing the dishes for example, was an eye-opener. I found out something about myself when it came to this household chore – I had a process. I never noticed this until now. I would soap the plates and saucers first, followed by bowls, then glasses and mugs, then utensils and pans. I did this every single time, in the same order! The realization came to me on a rainy afternoon, when I was alone in the kitchen. It made me smile, because at that moment, I realized that I have already been reaping the benefits of my meditation practice: being in the present moment, completely focused on the task at hand and free from distraction. I was not in a hurry. I was taking my time and taking pleasure in such a mundane task.

I’ve also come to realize that the unsteadiness and uncertainties brought about by the pandemic has been teaching me about balance and flexibility. With our plans derailed and our dreams on hold, we are forced to adjust and accept. After all, the present moment is all we have. Our minds take us to the past and the future so much that we often miss the present moment.

It is still chaotic out there. The human race has been thrown into the 2020 abyss, where one bad news after the other has left us reeling in confusion, pain and despair. I’ve felt these crippling energies of fear and suffering, and they still sneak into my thoughts from time to time. I fear for my loved ones, I fear for my country, I fear for the environment and the human race.

To say that this year has been horrible is an understatement. But here lies the beauty of uncertainty – we are forced to rethink our plans, our priorities, even our habits and our flaws. We are forced to seek and find the good in things—because my God, what would happen to us if we are unable to do this?

In my last session with my meditation teacher, she put these things into perspective beautifully. She told us that we already have within us what we need to survive. That it’s all about learning to tap into our “inner resources”. In other words, we have within us the strength and the resilience to deal with our present situation. If we learned to sit still, appreciate the present moment, become kinder to ourselves and others, we’d certainly transform our lives.

We have been given the gift of time — time that we often say we don’t have. I used this time mostly for inner work, because the physical world around us needs to heal. We cannot contribute to that healing, if we ourselves are constantly in pain – in the form of everyday stresses, frustrations, anger and discontentment. We lash out in so many different ways, when the key to releasing our burdens and lightening our load is really within us.

When I celebrated my birthday this year, I’ve realized that I’ve never had so much clarity in my life. This clarity has spawned creativity as well, because I have found myself jotting down ideas here and there. It really is amazing what the mind can achieve when it is at rest. Never before have I experienced such creative overflow. In fact, I was able to write this piece in one sitting –- when I haven’t written anything this long for the longest time!

We’ve been told many times to take a rest, to slow down. We often resist this because we’re always on – we respond by saying that we just have so much to do! But my experience during this time proves that there really is wisdom in slowing down. So much can be accomplished when we are not hurrying. We become calmer, stronger and more focused. With this also comes an attitude of gratitude, which, as you may have already read in so many books, is the secret to contentment and happiness.

My wish is for everyone to gain clarity, balance and equanimity to be able to surmount daily challenges, and accept what is, with gratitude and grace. The love of family and friends should also sustain us. I am fully aware that while I enjoy this newfound clarity and balance, others continue to despair and suffer. I certainly have no idea what the next few days or months will bring. It can be unnerving, and if I’m not careful, I might fall into the spiral of fear and uncertainty all over again. I can only hope that we can all tap into our inner resources, move through our days with a calm and happy spirit, headstrong and resilient to face the days ahead.