A few weeks ago, I saw a mother at Sherrie’s (my daughter) school. She was scolding her daughter for crying and wanting a sweet that every other child had received. They were standing in front of the school door, blocking the path of parents waiting to pick up their children. As the girl continued crying, the mother and grandmother couldn’t understand why she was crying over a sweet.

Mother: “So big already still crying over a sweet!”
Grandmother: “Four-years-old still crying. Shame shame!”
(girl cries louder)
Girl: “I just want a sweet … everyone has one.”
Mother: “Can’t I just buy you another sweet later? Stop crying! Everyone is looking!”
Grandmother: “Ee … shame shame.”

I could see the girl cringe and cover her face each time the word ‘shame’ was uttered. Eventually, the teachers went back to the classroom, got her a sweet, and she stopped crying. It pained me to see that the mother and grandmother seemed more concerned about her crying in front of other parents than the girl’s desire to get what everyone else had. And it made me question – what is so bad about crying that parents immediately want to stop their children from doing it?

Should Shame Be Used As A Disciplinary Method?

Shame is a thought or emotion associated with embarrassment, disgrace, dishonour and humiliation. It normally manifests itself with reddened cheeks, downward cast eyes and a desire to hide and cover. The use of the word ‘shame’ focuses entire attention on the person itself and, in James Hollis’ words, shame is the ‘swampland of our soul’, where all undesired feelings, thoughts, actions that we never want people to know go to. And we respond to shame with silence, secrecy and fear judgement.

Shame has been found to be strongly correlated to addiction, suicide, and depression, to name a few. This means that it has a detrimental effect whenever it is experienced. Brene Brown, vulnerability researcher, calls shame the ‘little gremlin’ that tells us, whenever we are about to do something, words such as ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘you’ll never be able to make it’.

In the story above, the mother’s use of the words ‘everyone is looking’ (fear judgement) and the grandmother’s outward use of the word ‘shame’ puts the entire attention upon the young girl, causing her to cringe and cover her face (secrecy). Finally, the referral to social norms of ‘four-years-old still crying’ sends a message of comparison. Ultimately, what the girl is hearing is this message: ‘You are embarrassing me, and the whole world is judging me as to why I cannot discipline you. You should be more mature and better behaved as a four-year-old. You should be able to control your feelings over a simple sweet.’

With prolonged exposure to using shame, the girl might learn to internalize that she should not be crying over something so simple, even though she had not received a sweet. She might internalize that she is not allowed to show her desires and cry in front of people as that will make her mother upset. She might begin to believe that she needs to be mother’s perfect four-year-old to make her happy.

As parents or educators, we have to be mindful of disciplining without causing shame, as the compounded effect of which can be the creation of that little gremlin your children might find hard to ditch even when they are older.

Three Quick Tips To Counteract Shame

1. Allow your child to show her vulnerability (crying, feeling upset) and assure her that it’s normal and ok to feel sad/upset.

2. Put their needs before yours and imagine what it might be like in their situation. Using empathy is a powerful tool that works much better than shame.

3. Even if they are wrong, comfort them and accept that they may feel guilty or bad about what they’ve done and leave the disciplining to when they have calmed down. By addressing their needs first, the child is more likely to come to an understanding of what happened.

_{This post was first published on Positive Education Blog and has been reposted on Executive Lifestyle with the permission of the author.
Edited by Nedda Chaplin
Image credit: family holding hands from Shutterstock}

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